A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."
One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"
The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."
One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"
The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
