One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.
"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"
The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
This guy dies and goes to hell. Once he gets to the gates there is a Matr'D there waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled but went on with his eternity and walked in. "How was your trip? Not too hard on ya I hope." said the Matr'D. "It was OK." said the guy still a little puzzled.
"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."
"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy completely confused. "Yes?" said the Matr'D. "This is hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or something." "Well...heaven has greater and better things than us down here, but they are basically the same thing." said the Matr'D. Still puzzled the guy continues to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT is THAT??" "Oh that." said the Matr'D nonchalantly, "That is the quote 'fire and brimstone' room. Eh it's for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."
This guy dies and goes to hell. Once he gets to the gates there is a Matr'D there waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled but went on with his eternity and walked in. "How was your trip? Not too hard on ya I hope." said the Matr'D. "It was OK." said the guy still a little puzzled.
"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."
"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy completely confused. "Yes?" said the Matr'D. "This is hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or something." "Well...heaven has greater and better things than us down here, but they are basically the same thing." said the Matr'D. Still puzzled the guy continues to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT is THAT??" "Oh that." said the Matr'D nonchalantly, "That is the quote 'fire and brimstone' room. Eh it's for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."
